Day 4: Self Defense Against Vampires: The Official Vampire Slayer’s Guide

28 days


Self Defense Against Vampires

By: J.A. Kahn
Pages: 243
Publisher: Geko Maran Publishing Ltd
Published on: April 24th 2015
Day 4: Self Defense Against Vampires: The Official Vampire Slayer’s Guide

Take one stake. A clove of garlic. And this book. Then get ready for a vampire hunting adventure like no other...
Holding out for that handsome young vampire to whisk you off to some far away exotic graveyard in the dead of night? Or perhaps you live in dread of the undead. Whatever your persuasion, this is the book to cater for all your vampire needs.
If you are looking for the kind of exhilaration you can only get from kicking a vampire in the butt and then running like hell, or have the urge to plunge a stake through a vampire's chest but just don’t know how, then you have come to the right place! From basic vampire anatomy and physiology, to the signs that should alert you to the presence of vampires in your vicinity. This book will teach you everything you need to know. Written by a professional vampire hunter with aeons of active vampire slaying experience, and winner of countless prestigious international monster-killing awards, you can be sure you will be able to defend yourself and your loved ones from ending up as vampire drink dispensers.
Here's what the experts are saying about this book:
"Probably the single most important treatise on vampirism and the inherent threat it possesses written by any one author in over four centuries. Herr Kahn hits the nail on the head with his knowledgable approach to this most dangerous adversary."The Vampire Eradication League of Vienna.
“Practical, sincere and damned effective advice, I would hate to be a vampire knowing this book is out there! You can stake your life on it!”Jonathan Harker Esq.

 
Goodreads



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Self Defense Against Vampires is a great book for vampire lovers and aspiring vampire hunters alike. It’s a great concept. I enjoyed this book much more than I’ve enjoyed others that are similar in content. It is well written and contains enough humor to keep the reading light and fun instead of stuffy and serious.

 

There are so many great elements of this book, I hardly know where to begin.

 

I’ll start at the beginning. The chapter titles are clever and entertaining. Each one is unique and creative while capturing the essence of the chapter’s subject matter. Many times, I read books with chapter titles that make no sense to me and feel totally unrelated to what is going on in the story, or are just chapter numbers. It was nice to see that even the chapter titles in this book were entertaining.

 

This book is full of wit and humor while clearly cautioning the reader to the dangers of vampirism. It dispels several of the more commonplace myths, and is a truly informative guide to surviving a potential vampire attack. I feel a bit safer after reading this book in the event I am ever accosted by one of the historically nocturnal fiends.

 

I have to admit, I am quite impressed with the author, world famous vampire hunter Dr. J.A. Kahn, and his over 13,000 vampire kills! How does he find the time for other important things in life, such as grocery shopping and Facebook? I suppose if there is anyone that can be considered an expert in vampire slaying it would be Dr. Kahn. I do feel worried for Dr. Kahn’s personal safety after becoming such a well-known and experienced slayer. I’m sure there are plenty of vampires who would be happy to give him a taste of his own medicine, or worse yet, transform him into the very enemy he has hunted for so long.

 

In addition to being entertaining and humorous, Self Defense Against Vampires is also quite educational. Kahn gives us a thorough history of the vampire myth and does it in an easy to understand way. His writing style and tone keep the reader’s attention while providing useful information in a way that doesn’t make you feel bogged down with facts.

 

Overall, this was one of the best books I’ve read this year. I highly recommend Self Defense Against Vampires to anyone and everyone I can convince to read it.

 

5 fangs

 

Excerpt

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Cross-dressers Beware!

 

An obvious and risky dress-sense, as mentioned earlier, is the habit of cross-dressing. This is a great health hazard. There is a wealth of statistical data on the risks of this shameful habit from the Australian Vampire Investigation Unit.

In 2009, the unit identified an alarmingly high proportion of vampire-related attacks and deaths amongst men in their mid forties. Over 96.7% of these men had one thing in common, they were all found wearing women’s underwear and other items of clothing.

Callum McShane of Kalgoorlie in Western Australia was one of the luckier ones, but could so easily have been amongst the 96.7%. He was found barely alive, having lost a significant amount of blood to a vampiress attack. After being resuscitated and transfused five units of blood, he embarrassedly told police and paramedics at the scene the recent events that had ended with him nearly losing his lie.

For the week prior to the attack, he had the eerie feeling of being followed about at night. He often caught fleeting glimpses of a dark haired, pale faced beauty on his way home from his local bar on most nights that week. He was sure he even dreamt of seeing her floating outside his bedroom window scratching at the glass with long sharp, perfectly painted nails, pleading with him to let her in. He could still see her face, her ruby red lips, and haunting eyes in the dead of night just outside his bedroom window.

Then on the fateful night of the attack his bedroom air-conditioning broke down. Unable to sleep, McShane opened the bedroom window to let in some fresh, cool air. Being alone and bored in the house, his Italian wife having flown to Milan to visit her parents, the insomniac Aussie suddenly had the urge to try on one of his wife’s dresses for its coolness. He found a low, plunge neck, blue silk negligee, and shimmied right into it. It felt so cool and luxuriant against his manly skin that he decided to sleep in it, he admitted rather bashfully.

He had just closed his eyes when something seemed to brush against his neck. He turned to switch on the bedside lamp and that was when he let out a shrill scream that befitted his negligee. There standing beside his bed was a tall, dark-haired beauty with fiery eyes and the reddest lips he had ever seen. He was so mesmerized by her beauty he did not notice the two inch long, pearl-white fangs protruding from behind her luscious red upper lip.

The siren leant over him and placed a gentle kiss on his exposed neck. He felt the slightest pinching sensation as all the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. Twenty seconds later she withdrew looking more ravishing and ruddier than before, and gently licked her lips dry.

As McShane flung back the bed sheets to get out of bed the vampiress’s eyes turned vermilion red in a flash. The look on her face was a mix of fury and disgust, confusion and humiliation.

In that split second she threw herself upon him, tearing at his throat and clawing at his face. He would almost certainly have died had the family cat not suddenly jumped in through the open window. The feline caught the vampiress’s attention and as she lashed to grab the furry Persian, McShane somehow managed to slide off the bed and run downstairs screaming. He managed to sound the intruder alarm, before collapsing in a sobbing heap, dressed in blue.

Luckily for him the vampiress decided to abandon her attack and leave for some reason. She could easily have finished him off before help arrived but something happened that made her withdraw.

McShane sobbed as he spoke to investigators about the ordeal. Worst of all his beautiful silk negligee was ruined beyond repair, nothing more of it remained than blood-soaked, tattered, blue ribbons draping his shoulders and chest. When the paramedics told him to be thankful he was still alive, he replied forlornly, “Mate, I’m as good as dead already. My wife will finish the job when she sees it, it was her favorite nightie!” He was a truly pitiful sight.

This is just one example of such encounters. There are many more such instances, with both genders equally affected. Cross-dressing quite simply infuriates vampires.

The facts speak for themselves, you stand a better chance of survival if you dress in a fashion befitting your gender. And that is a fact. I would ask readers to change back into more suitable attire.”

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Purchase Links

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About J.A. Kahn

Not much is known about the mysterious Dr Kahn, author of books for the young and old. What little we do know is that he loves to write and believes books should be fun, educational where possible, and carry a lesson for personal betterment. They should also be a little bit scary - I think this might be influenced by his being a professional vampire slayer!

Where he was born and where he was raised nobody knows, but this much is known; in his youth he did all sorts of mysterious things. From keeping an ant farm, to raising tadpoles and newts, climbing trees to falling into rivers and ponds, he's been there and done it all. Police files reveal that at the tender age of 9 years Kahn was involved in a notorious case of apple scrumping from which he and his accomplices barely escaped with their dignity, lives (and stolen apples). This was followed just a few days later by a spot of involuntary car vandalism (of an already beat-up and broken down, vandalized car) - his only brush with the Law to date and hopefully something he will never repeat.

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3 Responses to Day 4: Self Defense Against Vampires: The Official Vampire Slayer’s Guide

  1. Wulf says:

    oh this looks epic!

    • Melanie says:

      It was really good! So funny too! How have you been? We haven’t heard from you in a while. It’s funny bc Andi is here visiting me in Florida and we are going to Coastal Magic Con this weekend. Yesterday we were chatting and you and your books were brought up and I was telling her about Damon Suede. What a coincidence that you commented this morning! ~Melanie

  2. Wulf says:

    You guys will hear from me soon, I promise. 🙂

    I’ve just been busy with writing a full-length release last year, and trying to organize our move to the States. It’s a war zone and a half to get that all sorted out.

    I’ve already gotten my copy of J.A. Kahn’s book and itching to read it tonight. I love books like this, it’s always fascinating to me. And that cover’s just perfect!!

    You guys must enjoy, Coastal Magic Con. Hopefully, I’ll be there next year if our plans work out. Say Hello to Andi for me, please.

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