Darth Glitter by Eric Asher

 

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Eric Asher is one of our featured authors for Coastal Magic con in Daytona Beach coming up in February. He has been nice enough to gift us with a cautionary tale about the dangers of glitter this holiday season, as well as a giveaway! Just say no people!

 

Darth Glitter

by Eric Asher

 

I suppose we all have a tale of warning. A holiday feast gone wrong, a family misstep, the last time you were allowed into that one restaurant you’ll never speak of again. Allow me to regale you with the ultimate warning of that seasonal villain known as … glitter.

 

It was a cold night when I found a fantastic template for Star Wars paper snowflakes. I downloaded them and printed a dozen patterns and dulled twice as many hobby knives cutting them out. One of them was Darth Vader. The snowflake looked great with six Vader heads in a spiffy symmetrical circle.

 

You know what I thought would make it better?

 

Black glitter.

 

Shiny Vader heads hanging from the bannister when our guests arrived for the holidays. I stood in Michaels—a craft store for those of you that don’t have one—about fifteen minutes later. Less than an hour and I returned home with a jar of glitter and aerosol glue. Spray on glue, who knew?

 

I’m guessing the devil knew.

 

I painstakingly arranged the Vader snowflake on a piece of cardboard and took it into the front yard. I didn’t want to make a mess, after all. Thoroughly doused in glue, I carried the snowflake back to our dining room table.

 

The glitter went on easily enough, until I lifted my hand and realized I’d glued about five pounds of glitter to my own flesh. Thank you, aerosol glue. I shook my hand, smacked the open jar of glitter, and spilled it all over the snowflake. I snatched the jar up as though that may stem the tsunami of glitter, but glitter encrusted hands are slippery.

 

I dropped the jar, and it exploded. It didn’t spill; it EXPLODED INTO A GLITTERY CLOUD. I may have said a few words—a lot of words—I won’t repeat here. I tried to carry the drowned snowflake outside to brush it off, only to drop the board and send a wave of glitter across the kitchen floor.

 

You know what aerosol glue does? It sticks to everything. EVERYTHING. I spent a damned hour scraping that crap off the floor and the chairs and the stools. The next morning our porch looked like a black disco ball. Oh, aerosol glue holds glitter on the door too. Even the doorknob had a nice layer of shiny black crap on it.

 

Be safe out there.

 

Say no to glitter.

 

Eric’s Books

The first in Eric’s Vesik series is Free right now!

 

And Steamborn is on sale for only 99¢ on iBooks!

steamborn

 

Be sure to get your tickets for Coastal Magic while you still can! Eric and I will be there and for the first time ever, my AMAZING co-blogger, Andi will be joining us! Be sure to check out the list of attending authors! Click HERE for more info!

 

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About Eric R. Asher

Eric is a former bookseller, guitarist, and comic seller currently living in Saint Louis, Missouri. A lifelong enthusiast of books, music, toys, and games, he discovered a love for the written word after being dragged to the library by his parents at a young age. When he is not writing, you can usually find him reading, gaming, or buried beneath a small avalanche of Transformers.

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34 Responses to Darth Glitter by Eric Asher

  1. Carol says:

    Mixed multiple glitters with Elmers glue then paint with it. Sounds good … results not so much.

  2. Jenn sut says:

    Living at my last house, I spilled my niece’s “fairy dust” which was just glitter. I have been at the new house for 8 years, and I still randomly find glitter in the new house. The glitter followed me and will not leave.

  3. Crystal Casquero says:

    Oh Eric. You poor unfortunate soul. I am only a little sorry to say I laughed my butt off at this story. I only wish you had pictures to share. 🙂 We made the mistake of getting our daughter a princess makeover at Disneyworld. She loved it and she looked adorable BUT they asked if she wanted a “sprinkle” of fairy dust. SPRINKLE MY FOOT. They dumped about a cup of tiny glittery powder on her head. It was EVERYWHERE. it kept going in her eyes, we left a trail of glitter from Cinderella’s castle to freaking Ariel’s Grotto. It took 3 showers to get her hair glitter free and we are still finding glitter in her booster seat. It was almost 2 years ago..

  4. Kristy Petree says:

    No glitter for me; I never touch the stuff lol. But years ago my mom and I made salt-dough Christmas ornaments from a tracing of my little brothers hand, with a heart painted on them. These were kind of corny, yes, but they were for grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. After being baked and having a thin polyurethane coating applied, they turned out pretty decent. But somehow, they “rehydrated” and when the relatives took them out of the tissue paper, fingers were detached…most were missing all the fingers but the middle one. Good times!

  5. Michelle Locke says:

    My niece wanted her room to look like the ocean, and we were going to paint her room 2 different blues. Things did not work out as planned, so I came up with the idea to throw glitter on the ceiling and walls while the paint was wet, to make it look like waves…us throwing blue and silver glitter up in the air to stick to the ceiling and walls…we had glitter everywhere.

  6. Larry Dush says:

    A Registered Nurse by trade, took care of a female dancer who ODd one night in ICU. End of shift went home and had to explain where the glitter on my scrubs came from. A little glitter goes a long way. If other co-workers hadn’t suffered the same fate that night I might have needed a good lawyer.

  7. Well it wasn’t necessarily A disaster for me but I have Anonymously Sent glitter poo to one of my enemies 😉 I’m sure it was a disaster for them hahahaha

  8. Angela Hearn says:

    So doing my kids hair for Halloween I realized I didn’t have a good color for my youngest costume. So I go out and find some gold as it will look great with her dress. It was not till I started applying this that I notice that there is very fine glitter in it. I’m not entirely sure how but from the master bathroom it made a fine mist throughout my entire house. I am still finding gold glitter coated clothes and furniture and basically everything that was in the house before that day. If convinced I will be finding still in 10 years.

    • Chances are good I’d say.

      • Angela Hearn says:

        I think it may have been the demise of our X-Box one.

        • Andi says:

          Oh that sucks, that is why my husband doesn’t allow our 9 year old ANYWHERE near anything electronic when she is wearing one of those glitter shirts. Those shirts I think are the worst, the glitter just tend to fall from them. Poor dog looked like she had been glitter bombed after the last shirt was worn.

          • Angela Hearn says:

            To add insult both of my daughters dresses had glitter. It is still in his jeep from trick or treating and he has vacuumed and cleaning it many times since.

  9. Victoria Dattilo says:

    This year my daughter was Anna from Frozen for Halloween and I made the mistake of buying Glitter spray for her hair and letting her Aunt do her hair and makeup while I did my other daughters hair and makeup and she literally sprayed the whole can all over her whole costume and at least half of it went into her hair. we had to wash her hair 10 times and still she had Glitter glued to her scalp and the school nurse called me to let me know that she had Glitter in her haute when she WENGER to school 4 days later.

  10. Cassie Hoffman says:

    This was just recently. I was making a ornament for a Christmas exchange. Green glitter… It spilt out into a pile, everywhere. We didn’t get to clean it up fast enough and my chihuahua Gypsy, got into it. Needless to say., she had sparkly glitter green poop for 2 day’s!!!! We couldn’t help but laugh and then gag. Thanks for the chance!

  11. Cody Kole says:

    Two black kittens and one white kitten, a table of crafts including several bottles of glitter and bowl of glue waiting to start some Christmas crafts as a family but decided to go get lunch first. When the people are away the mice will play, in this case it was my three very spoiled kitty’s. When we returned to yes you can imagine a table disaster, everything all about and over the walls and the floors and an unfortunate dog with it all over her face. The cats had decided to play it and then chase each other all over the house, furniture included leaving glitter every where creating wonderful rainbow dust on it all. Then yes then they had to have baths. It was a great day to clean and not do decorations.

  12. Ashley M says:

    Hum… Well I was making my daughter’s Halloween costume and used that spray on glitter. That crap not only got everywhere but I still find it on my daughter two plus months later…

  13. Kerri Simpson says:

    My kid and I were going to make christmas decorations. She found the glitter and got it everywhere in her room. And on her. My child looked red and green.

  14. Sara Doyle says:

    In high school, we had to decorate hallways for for homecoming. Our theme was gold, so we went with a Willy Wonka/golden egg theme. We filled a small swimming pool with glitter; unfortunately, high schoolers don’t know how to leave glitter alone and it devolved into a glitter fight. It’s been 9 years, and there is still glitter in the carpet and it’s been banned from use in those competitions.

  15. Andrew T. Kuligowski says:

    Hmmmmm … how about the “cute little craft” (a billboard for the Christmas village) that wasn’t really that cute, but still lives on every year, even though my GRANDCHILDREN are the age I was when I made it?

  16. Pam Ebeler says:

    I thought it might be fun to make one of those glitter time-out bottles…it was fine until the dog got ahold of it and popped the darn (yep, I censored myself) thing. Glitter, glitter glue, water, and dogs don’t mix – oh, I almost forgot the best part….carpet.

  17. Carmen says:

    There was an incident where, trying to be a nice aunty, I allowed a niece to play with her “makeup ” and my face. Little did I know this would involve copious amounts of glitter, which I later found all over my clothing and bedding……even after washing it off!!

  18. Any time that I take out glitter in the classroom, it is a disaster. I have to hide it.

  19. Melinda Zedekar says:

    I believe colored sand is the evil sidekick to glitter. Have done many projects using both and it never ends well. NEVER

  20. Agreed, Eric! Glitter is evil. I cringe whenever I open a greeting card doused in glitter. That shit gets everywhere! But I do love sparkles … just not on vampires! 😉

  21. Nicole Anaya says:

    I don’t know if it’s international but my worst holiday related catastrophe was that time when I was like 8 years old and was playing around with my cousins on the living room by the Christmas tree and since we were jumping up and down and running, one of us pulled one of the lights from the tree and it completely fell down. And that’s not even the worst part. Our dog got caught up within the lights and started running to free himself but instead he was dragging the tree around the house :b Thanks for the chance!

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